Bloody Sunday: Bringing the Drama

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The Buffalo Sabres Kill Chickens

And follow the future they see in the entrails. That’s my guess. Because

1) We love us some animal slaughter.

2) We are a flailing bag of inconsistency.

How the fuck do you explain a team that suffers no serious injuries and has no line changes, but bounces from #1 to #20 in the league in the space of three weeks.

(Shut up. Shut up! I don’t want to hear about it.)

I cheered as hard as anyone for the great games in which they humiliated Pittsburgh, the defending Eastern champions. And then watched as they dove into losing streaks against such titans as the Atlanta Thrashers and the Nashville Predators. Who shut us out. At home.

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I can’t fucking believe it either.

I’m reassured by the fact that we can beat all the best teams in the east. If we get into the playoffs, we’ve got a legitimate shot. But if there’s some cunning plan to phone it in every time a lower-tier team comes to town, to the point where we LOSE … I have no idea how that will happen.

Yesterday’s asleep-standing-up loss to Toronto is a perfect example.

PAIN.

The Tampa Bay Mullet Opera

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The Bolts are packing it in this year, and not even pretending to be a hockey team. After firing and starting three different goaltenders in ’07, then dramtically firing the coach, then hiring an ESPN commentator who hasn’t coached since The Offspring were “edgy.” Then they paid him more money than god and sent the team to Checzislovakia.

Phase 3: Profit!

Then they held double-secret side practices behind the celebrity coach’s back. Where they let the offensive coach draw up triple-secret depth charts. Then they held secret meetings with players behind both coaches’ backs. Then they dramatically fired the coach TWO MONTHS into the first year of his enormous six-year contract. Which they still have to pay. Then, instead of getting behind the bench with the now-head assistant coach, the ownership is going on XM radio every night, to trade insults with the news anchor they payed a frillion dollars to not coach their awful team.

To pass the time, the players fight german midgets.

Fuck it, we’ll do it live!

Sean Avery is An Asshole

That sentence has a hotkey in MS Word. It’s like saying Sex is Sticky or North Is Where The Bears Are. So obvious you sound retarded actually assembling the words.

Last Playoffs, he actually paralyzed the officiators. Because there’s technically no penalty for “going off your meds.”

there are no words

Notice #23 there, the captain, futilely trying to make him stop. That tells you everything you need to know.

There can be Kobe-Shaq rivalries in hockey. There can be grudges even within teams. But when a player, on the ice, tells the captain to go fuck himself, ’cause I’m playin’ lightsaberr!, it’s over.

Of course, I wish Dallas all the grief in the universe. They hired this team-killing sociopathic prat, and it looks like it will fuck their morale and salary cap so hard, they’ll miss the playoffs for the first time in a decade. And be on national news the whole time.

So if there were no women in the world, I could still masturbate.

Now that we’re all uncomfortable!

The Toronto Maple Griefs

Are playing out the last act of their sorry collapse. Or is it the end of Empire, where things look worst just before the turnaround? They’re finally [trading away] their cap-busting primadonna center. They got the [star management] they’ve needed for a decade. And they’ll sure as hell have good draft picks this summer. So who knows? Maybe next year will be a “rebuilding” where they finally, actually, rebuild.

But for now … solid gold baby.

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