KNOXVILLE, TN – In shocking news this evening, University of Tennecleats coach Bruce Pearl has challenged the Syracuse Orange mascot to mortal combat. At stake is the masculinity of the color orange. Also, the pride of an archaic Dutch royal family and the producers of delicious citrus beverages nationwide.
“I am the Ed Orgernon of college basketbaw!” bellowed Pearl to his coterie of humanoid absorption mechanisms of blunt traumatic force. “If he ever wandered out of Southern/Icelandic lore and into a formal suit, I could sleep with his wife without her ever knowing the difference. As such a Man, I demand all other fools of my Orange hue pay fealty unto me or die.”
When asked of his opinion of the spherical Syracuse mascot of such a hue, The Pearl replied: “I shall rip off my coaching garments at the next Lady Vow Basketbaw game and juice his puny skull… body… ambiguous spheroid shape between my mighty Man teats. The juice shall flow down my bare torso, and those chosen consorts who drink of it shall be fertile and plentiful. Many national titties… titles shall be won by the Lady Vaws as result of my triumph.”
Confessions reporters found the Syracuse Orange, after several rounds of Drink Your Beer, and, once mixing him with precious, Cleveland brewed, Korski vodka, recorded the following commentary:
“Ef Tennsee… Pearl din’t come from a right clam, if you know what I mean. You know what I mean! Come on! I know you know! Oh yeah… Using chick sports as a means of addressing the public, what is that about? Up here, we only use chicks to thaw our masculine selves after we shovel the 7 feet of August snow out of our driveways. If only my father were alive to hear this. In his day, our name summoned up images of rabid anti-Catholic patriots making the leather of their boots supple with the blood of Papists. Damn touchy-feely student body. Now I’m as fruity as George in Grey’s Anatomy.”
Other teams wearing orange could not be reached for comment as of press release.