I got Beef

I’ve learned many things throughout the vast and awesome years that I’ve spent on this earth, I’ve learned so much about myself. One of these things is what exactly is wrong with me. Though that list is way to long for this conversationsd1, the major problems in my lifesd2 is that I’m far too loyal. I blame it mostly on the fact that I’m a dog person. And/or a Nortonian. But I digress.

The problem with loyalty, well at least for me, is that its blind. Sorta like love, I guess. But that’s a deeper problem I really don’t feel at liberty to discuss at this juncture.

Anyhoo, blind loyalty sorta screws me in the end a lot. For example, a couple of days ago, I sorta lost my id. It might be in a bush somewhere. Next to a pillow. I’m not quite sure. But my id. Its gone. Now, instead of being a good little moveesd3, I refused to change my residencysd4, mostly because I’m a Homer like Simpsonsd5. I love my state.I love it more than anything else in the world (besides my sister, though she does reside in the state which makes it more awesome). And I never want to be a resident of any other state. Like ever. Well, that’s probably not true. But it took way too much for me to leave it in the first place. Mentally, you understandsd6. So I want to hold on to that one little part of me that still connected me to Ohio. Good Ol’ Ohio id #0000B4.

Okay, I don’t if you noticed but that really isn’t my idea number. It actually is 43NO5141. Ok, that isn’t it either. But you understand. I think.

No matter. All that stuff is dust in the wind. The important part is that I no longer have an id. Without a State Identification card, my life is limited. And, of course, by life I mean drinking habits. I can’t go to the bar and drop 400 dollars on St. Patrick’s Day (observed) like I really, really wanted toosd7. But no. I had to lose my id. So none of this will happen.

But, but!

What’s most importantly is the fact that I can’t go home to get an id. Why? BECAUSE YOU NEED A FUCKING PICTURE ID TO TRAVEL ACROSS STATE LINES!!!!

Yeah. Fucked up ain’t it. So. Apparently, I need to become a resident of the Commonwealth of Virginia in oder to be able to do all the happy things that I once knewsd8. And of course by “happy” I mean “self-motivated alcoholic plans and promises”. Though, technically, I won’t break my promise of never being a resident of another state outside of The Last Great Vestige of Civilization (Ohio)sd9.

But that’s not the point of this post. The point is that I’m a very upset bloggist at this point, and there is nothing that the state of Ohio (beside getting me my valid State Identification card in a reasonable and timely manner) can do about it right now.

I’m going to go off to my new sober lifestyle.


Yeah right. I’m going to be bugging you people to buy me beer for the next two months. Get used to it.

sd1: I consider these posts from myself to you people conversations. Though, I guess, they are sorta soliloquies from myself actually. But, as the seven people who read this blog know, thats sorta how conversations with me go. And by “sorta” I mean, well. Uh. That’s what I mean. I guess. (back)

sd2: Besides, of course, not being able to write on command like a good bloggist should. And the complete overuse of footnotes. And commas. And parenthesis. And ellipses. Though I find these things charming about me. (back)

sd3: Movee? Let him go, he’s on a roll [peanut gallery: More like a tumble (laughter)] (back)

sd4: OH 11th What’s up?!?! (back)

sd5: Actually, I’m more like Homer than I realized before I typed that. (back)

sd6: Apparently, in the World According to Mo-Zilla, every time I get drunk enough I think I’m back in Cleveland, ‘swhy I get so lost. (back)

sd7: Ok, wanted is a bit of a strong word. But would be more than willing to is probably a better way to put it. (back)

sd8: Actually, it appears as though there is a way to get your state ID if you lose in while not in Ohio. Though it might take up to 60 days. That’s like two months! (back)

sd9: In my eyes, there are only 44 States in the Union. Kentucky, Massachusetts, Virginia and Pennsylvania are all commonwealths. Rhode Island has “Plantations” in its name, which offends my sensibilities. And I refuse to accept “there” as an equal to the greatness that is Ohio. So, from now on, I will refer to it as That Demi-State Up North or TDSUN. The “D” is silent, so I still will pronounce it as TeeSUN. (back)

8 thoughts on “I got Beef”

  1. You could wait for OH to change biometrics, or anti-vandalism design.

    They send you a new one for free.


  2. Also, the endnote thing is out of control. Didn’t this start off as a Wallace joke? It’s now a [ditriech] joke. Step One is admitting you have a problem. When they near or exceed text length, you have a problem.

  3. Yeah, like the State will ever have “cutting edge” technology. Its not what we do. We drink beer and play football. And it is a wonderful existence.

    If you think about it, I always wrote shitloads of sidenotes in the ADUs, I just got intel that it was harder to read the actual text in any coherent manner and more or less detracted from what I was saying. So I just made the sidenotes footnotes and everyone is happy. Also, you’re like the 4th person in the last three days to tell me that i had a problem/needed an intervention.

    In closing, why don’t you shut up and let me do what I want for a change.sd1

    sd1 Buying a grill this weekend more than likely. Bring Melons. And Bird.

  4. Oh I will.

    And could you at least Wrap this fucking thing? Are we having a main page length competition? Because if I unfolded any of 10 posts, they would make this look stubby.

  5. I mean, if you want to, we can. We really need some “content” on this “blogsd1“. Because, well, whats the point of me paying for it when the cow is free.

    Ok. I guess what I meant to say was “why buy the cow when the milk is free” with the cow being the domain name and hosting and the milk being the comments we leave to each other on our post as actual emails (through gmail, natch) that are, in effect free. Besides our costs of using the internet.

    Though I guess we could technically use them at work. Though I might get fired soon, so that wouldnt be as good of a reason for me. I guess.

    Anyhoo. I win. By typing longestsd2

    sd1 and by “blog” I mean, web thingy that we write on so that you, me and dutch can read it and laugh about it during our later trial hearings because we are our (you see what i did there?!?!?) readers/viewers.

    sd2 that is not a penis reference. I promise. Though I realize it will make you type a 400 word response while drunk and be unable to finish. That’s just life Biz.

  6. while you are using your passport, get used to having a little homing device planted in your id that makes it scannable…oh and I heard that there is a long wait to get passports now due to bureaucratic inefficiency

  7. adam, i am hereby forbidding you from using sidenotes or footnotes in comments.

    besides, if we ever did have an intervention with you, it’d look like this, only with beerpong.


    so yeah, it’d be about drinking, but it’d be more like, “goddamnit [ditriech], your beruit game has been slipping lately. you need to get off the crack, get off age of empires, and get your ass back to the table. we’ve got to show up those damn frat boys from down the street. oh, and grab a couple beers on your way out.

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