Everything is Bullshit [Anonymous Fundraiser]

So I was at work one day, and got to chit-chattin’ with a customer who came into the store. For some reason or another, we got around to talking about this here blog. Well, actually we started out talking about Wonkette and their Anonymous Lobbyist feature. Apparently they were a fundraiser for one of the major political parties and always thought about doing something like that. After months of back and forth, and hours of untold ego stroking I have finally convinced them to write at least one article. And here it is after the jump.



As my father often said, “Everything is Bullshit.” It took less than two years working on political campaigns for me to finally agree with him. Working for a political candidate is kind of like dating a huge bitch, but you put up with their shit because you “believe” you’re building something that’s better than the two of you (e.g. a relationship, a family, a nation). I’ve housed the word believe because you don’t really believe in anything, you just convince yourself that you do to avoid sinking in to an everlasting quagmire of depression and hatred.

While there are many different jobs on a Congressional, Senatorial or Presidential campaign, there are no positions so completely embarrassing and pathetic as those in the finance department. To clarify, political campaigns use the term “finance department” to gussy up the idea of fundraising. You become a beggar, a stalker and an extortionist all for the sake of getting someone who will end up hating you elected. Why will they hate you? Because you’re trying to drag them down to your level of begging, stalking and extorting.

Let’s start with the begging, shall we? First, you call and beg the candidate’s family and friends. They feel the most obligated. Like John McCain passing a homeless man in a flack jacket holding a paper cup, they’d feel too bad to turn away from someone just like them who couldn’t make it in the real world. Then, it’s on to the wealthy old people, the retirees, the spoiled housewives of industry leaders, powerful attorneys and trust fund babies. Generally, anyone who has too much money and does not know the joy that Thai hookers, amphetamines and Johnny Walker Blue can bring to them… and their children. With these knaves, you just have to appeal to their “beliefs” and interests. They’ll cough up the cash faster than a cat would Richard Gere’s pet gerbil.

After you’ve hit up the first round of people that are easily found, you then start looking for the rest of them. And if you were thinking you could find them just like you found that twelve year old to blow you in the alley behind the McDonald’s, you’d be right. The Internet has expanded and grown to the point that hermits and the extremely old are the only ones who can avoid being found on it, and that only lasts until their obituaries are published. Obviously few of you are unfamiliar with google phone book, yahoo people search, and google satellite. After that, all you need to know is how to use OpenSecrets.org or Tray.com to find out just how rich they are and just what candidates they like to give to. Then you start calling them. You send them letters in the mail. You attend the same events they do. You do this until you get a yes or a no. If you get a yes, you keep bugging them every few months. If you get a no, you find people more famous than your candidate to call them, send them letters and start attending the same events they do. Or you can ask their coworkers, family members or old friends to ask for you if they’re already supporting your campaign. It kind of works like that body snatchers movie, or zombies…yeah, I like zombies better.

Finally, we’ve moved on to the best part, extortion! This works better the bigger liar your candidate is, or if the news in your district has been so slow that the columnists and tv journalists had to make up some kind of story. Every step of the way, you are trying to convince people that they will be absolutely fucked once your candidate is in office, less they anti up and kick in. That’s right, we call it the bandwagon. Your either good at it, or you’re easily fooled by it. You were either selling dime bags and banging cheerleaders in high school, or you were getting high and getting fucked. Or you were a loser. Either way, it’s because everyone else was doing it.

And at the end of the day, guess where all that money in your guitar case goes while you’re busy strumming out a pathetic version of some CCR song? Into the same pockets it always goes into: consultants and executives! That’s right, you’re working your ass off so that the people controlling what should technically be your airwaves can make fucking millions! Hundreds of thousands of dollars for a couple weeks worth of ad time on cable and network television!

Your candidate gets elected, the rich get richer, and you get to pretend like you made a difference. 50-75% of the country still doesn’t care, and 90% of the people who voted don’t even know the difference between a Democrat and Republican. America sucks, God bless it.

One thought on “Everything is Bullshit [Anonymous Fundraiser]”

  1. The question is, are consultants necessary? I think if you got right down to it, people become disenchanted by that more than anything, even the extortion.

    Is there a model for a campaign going non-professional? For an advertising and vote-getting and ally-asembling method that does not include the middlemen who control the campaign output of both parties?

    Until somebody wins like that, in an important office, I’m not sure why even a good candidate would change tactics.

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