No speedracer, No speedracer, No speedracer NOOO

There are many reasons why I am NOT anticipating the release of this movie with bated breath. First of all you have to look at the source material If the source material is quality, then you have a good chance at making a good movie. Transformers is a fine example, the source material was strong enough that even Michael Bay could not screw it up. But, when the source material is crap, you get a steaming piece of crapola. Aside from the comical aspect of it being dubbed and the foreignness of the plots and characters, what did Speedracer have to offer? Monkeys? It was poorly made car porn that was dated even when it was a new cartoon. The makers of the new film have taken those very qualities that made it appealing away from the material, namely the comic foreignness and dubbing.

Let us then examine the cast of said picture. The best that they have to offer us in terms of actors are Alpha Dog Douche bag Hirsch (who is about 5’2″), Only looks good when chained to a radiator Ricci, Lost pretty-boy Matthew Fox, 80’s skank Susan Serandon, Heart-attack waiting to happen who is only good in Coen bros movies Goodman, and Shaft. Admittedly the Matrix did not have a megawatt star in the cast who was known for having acting skills. I love Keanu but he has all the acting skills of dead fish…don’t believe me, then rent Johnny Mnemonic and watch his little tirade somewhere near the end where he is pretending to be angry and yells that he wants a $10,000 a night prostitute. So convincing.

Aside from the lack of great actors, the are several other reasons that this movie cannot help but stink to high heaven more than a jockstap that had been used consecutively by the GrzaGenius, Dutch, and ditriech without being washed. The Wachowski bros shot their creative wad on the Matrix trilogy. That magna opus took years of planning, writing, visualizing. After the tremendous commercial success of the trilogy it is impossible to go anywhere but downhill from that great apex. Even in the trilogy we saw a decline in coolness and an increase in pretentiousness. The first movie was excellent, showcasing many of the most memorable moments that will be raised when people talk about the matrix. There was the dojo training scene, the bullet-time scene, and the red-pill/blue pill scene. The second film was good, but not as visually stunning as the first movie. While the second film did have the delicious Monica Bellucci, it was noticeably lacking Jet Li. The third film went over the top with special effects, christ imagery, and pretentious and vague attempts at adding deep symbolism and artistry to a series of movies whose bread and butter was stylized heart-pounding action.

If the third movie is to be taken as any indication of what lies in store for us with this film, then count me out. I am guessing that the majority of the budget will be spent on special effects. So long as they don’t over-pamper the noxious flaming balls of super-heated gas that supposedly inhabit the film in the same way that Sahara did (check the production costs versus worldwide grosses) , they will only lose their reputation and several million. My prediction is that this film will be relegated to one entire wall of blockbuster in vain attempts to recoup the losses after a disappointing first run in theaters.

I will be the first to declare that this film will do to the Wachowski Bros what 2003’s Hulk did to Ang Lee’s career. And though it gives me no pleasure I will be gloating all summer at the downfall of two fellow geeks.

2 thoughts on “No speedracer, No speedracer, No speedracer NOOO”

  1. yeah, ang lee sure did go downhill after hulk. has he even made a movie?


    oh right! brokeback mountain. well, that was totally underachieving. only won three oscars! what a load of weak sauce.

    although you’re dead on about Keanu. He couldn’t act his way out of a paper bag. Although he could act AS a paper bag quite convincingly.

  2. I’ll admit it. I liked V for Vendetta. I still like it. I own it. Alan Moore hated it, the politics were juvenile, I still fucking liked it. Let’s move on.

    You’re probably right. This looks like so much of a cartoon, it won’t even be fun to mock.

    The whole Speed Racer phenom in the west is based on it being deadpan and people watching it be deadpan. That’s impossible to pull off in a theatrical release unless you dust off the MST robots.

    And every poster makes Hirsch look like he’s thinking “Jesus. Oh Jesus I just crapped my pants. How do I get out of the room?”

    And what are you implying about Lawrence Fishburne?

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