Removing the head or destroying the brain



I have no other good ideas. For years now, the line on Detroit has been they can’t win in the playoffs because they’re always injured. That always sounded like a cop-out to me. Injury rotation is a part of the sport so how can you say they’re the best at the sport “except” …

But sweet christ, I see what they mean. Detroit actually got to the Western finals uninjured (which was kind of lucky, but hey, the Pens got a break round too). They faced a Stars team that was itself uninjured, and had wiped out the #1 and #2 top picks for the Cup … and annihilated them. Went up 3 games to 0, then mopped them up in time to advance the Finals schedule.

Then they got to a final against the Pens, who are in top shape and made the rest of the East look slow … and it hasn’t even been a contest.

Watching them play must be like watching that Jude Law Robot fuck. It reminded me of watching the Bills defense during the good years. Like how every time you saw a ball misthrown, it would be intercepted. Every time you saw a fumble, you could leave the room and get chips. There would be a commercial break before they resumed play with a new possession.

Build Your Own Joke!

In the same way, whenever you see a loose puck in this series, rest assured, the Red Wings play is already unfolding. The wingman was on course to take it, and in the 1.5 seconds that takes him, everyone is in position, in motion, and passing lanes are open. The pass will be completed. There will be a screen. There will be an attack. Every. Single. Time.

1:28 is really all I need to say. They killed a minute and a half of 5 on 3, in the finals. Crosby and Malkin on the Ice. At home.

So guess what, Sport of Hockey. Your only option really is to kill them. They’re not human, and together, they’re beyond any other team. One of their warm-ups involves forming Voltron.

Dutch, you should actually watch tonight. There’s some sort of 60-minute formality before the trophy cerimony, but treat that like the Oscars: we have a beer or two until you get to the part where the big award is given and the 20,000 white people haul ass out of downtown.

One thought on “Removing the head or destroying the brain”

  1. i’m definitely going to watch.

    why do you think they lost that game last week? it wasn’t because they made any mistakes – machines don’t make mistakes. It’s just that good opportunities to riot don’t come along every day, and if they won the cup in pittsburg they’d be a long drive away from all the good rioting.

    hockeytown usa after the wings win the cup is one of the best places in the country for a bunch of cyborgs to blend in with the local populace to partake in some good, old-fashioned car-burning.

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