After a long, hard, and massive study, I have come to a conclusion. I have a gift. Not just any gift, mind you, but the gift of fertility. Not, you know, me having kids. Not that I don’t want it mind you, I actually want lots of kids. But I keep running into problems somehow.
(21:46:51) LookABrownGirl: you’ll have an entire football team
(21:48:43) ditriech: why does everyone say that?
(21:48:56) LookABrownGirl: that you’ll have an entire football team
(21:49:04) ditriech: I can’t find a girlfriend, how will I have these numerous kids?
(21:49:06) ditriech: yes
(21:49:06) LookABrownGirl: I mean I could have said ‘beirut team’ but that’s negligible
(21:49:48) LookABrownGirl: why does everyone who is single right now act like they’re going to be single for the rest of their lives?
(21:49:49) LookABrownGirl: and btw
(21:49:54) LookABrownGirl: your problem isn’t finding a girlfriend
(21:50:05) LookABrownGirl: your problem is that you fall for girls that you can’t be with
(21:50:15) LookABrownGirl: I don’t know what’s up with that,
(21:50:32) LookABrownGirl: but you’ve got “crazies” and “unattainables” on lock.
(21:52:39) ditriech: es la verdad
Anyhoo, this gift of fertility (thankfully) hasn’t bestowed itself upon me. No. What I have is the gift to make you (Ladies. As I previously stated) have kids.
You see, back home (216 REPRESENT!) I had (arguably) two female friends that I called ‘best friend’ (I don’t believe that there is one all-purpose best friend. There are better friends for each situation. And such.). Neither knew each other, and when I left Cleveland (as far as I know) neither was technically dating anyone. Through the grapevine (and, of course by ‘grapevine’ I mean ‘them telling me directly’) I found out that they were having a child. One had a boy, the other will have a girl. There is a good chance that I will be Godfather to both (I’m only Godfather to one as of yet. People think that I have good qualities that will help their child became a better person. That’s probably because they don’t really know about my crippling addiction to alcohol. But that’s ok. I didn’t know about my father’s until I was like 14.) But I digress (RG Bunnicula!)
If you, as a female, want to have a child you need to follow this simple five step process.
1. Befriend me.
2. Stop talking to me for a while (which will assuredly be my fault because I am a horrible friend which makes #1 that much harder)
3. ???? (And seriously. Don’t tell me.)
4. Start talking to me again.
That’s it. It’s really that simple.
Applications for friendship being taken at ditriech.at.gmail.com.
See you soon “Best Friend/Mother-to-Be”!