You can learn a lot from everyday objects. For instance, every time I go through a CVS or Duane Reade or something, I learn how the world will end. To judge from magazine covers, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have been making a new baby together every single month. They also adopt at least 7 children a year. I can only assume they have over 100 babies. And their production rate just doubled.
Clearly, the celebrity press of the world is going to be history’s most important record of our culture. When their army of children swarm out from the hills of Southern California, eating all in their path,Â someone from the future will want to know how itÂ started.Â If the oceans don’t conatin their rampage, other countries will need all their back copies of US Weekley to have a prayer of surviving.Â When a tide of whale and squid corpses boil to the surface of the Atlantic, heralding their movement below, Vanity Fair’sÂ London office will become the new Los Alamos.Â When the first little blue eyes appear on the coast of Portugal, they will mourn us, and thank the dead for PARADE.
You’d think all this would make me want to buy the magazines. Au contraire! I never, ever will. That way, the pages inside are like Shrodinger’s Celebrity News. I’m not absolutely certain this story isn’t in there, so it may actually be.
Because there’s no way so much time and money is being spent telling the story of the same two people having a few goddamn kids.
No fucking way. Â Â