When I was working for TSI (which stands for Tremendously Shitty Institution), I couldn’t help but notice that tons of people came in slurping on the straws of frozen concoctions. I am not making a reference to Jimmy Buffet, because if there actually were any tequila in these frozen beverages I would not have a problem with them. Let it be heretofore known that these beverages are a powerful, negative, corruptive influence on society for the following reasons
They degrade the common decency and turn the common man’s mouth into an uncouth vortex, a receptacle not holding in decorum with civilized society. People being the uncivilized heathens that they are would leave many of these empty or half-full beverages lying around our store. Not only that but they would make tremendously loud slurping noises as they tried to squeeze the last 25 cents out of their 4 dollar beverage.
Behold the enemies of public decency and manliness:
The high amounts of sugar mess with people’s digestive systems and cause obesity and diabetes. It is quite easy for people to find room for a liquid desert after stuffing their maws with greasy fast food because a liquid is not as filling. Thus people consume away, not knowing that they are unwittingly consuming 100 calories [Starbucks], 660 calories with 86 grams of sugars [Godiva] , 720 Calories [Sonic], 810 Calories (243 of which are from fat) [Chick-Fil-A]. To put this into perspective you would have to drink 8 Keystone Light beers and eat just one Pringle’s potato-chip to equal the number of calories in a single serving of a Chick-Fil-A shake, and you would still not have all the saturated fat and sugars!
This is without even mentioning that the vast majority of these iced drinks are discriminatory against the lactose intolerant. If this is an egalitarian beverage, should not everyone be able to enjoy.
Given that they are a public nuisance due to factors of noise from slurping, a threat to the health of anyone that consumes them, and discriminate against the lactose intolerant; these concoctions should be labeled a threat to all positive masculine properties, or Virtus in Latin.
Early Cuyler would pull out his knife or boomstick and justifiably attack this threat to "manly males of the masculine race." While normally, "because it tastes good" would be ample justification for the consumption of a foodstuff, these beverages are a negative influence on society.