Put down your girly drink and act like a Man, Part 1

When I was working for TSI (which stands for Tremendously Shitty Institution), I couldn’t help but notice that tons of people came in slurping on the straws of frozen concoctions. I am not making a reference to Jimmy Buffet, because if there actually were any tequila in these frozen beverages I would not have a problem with them. Let it be heretofore known that these beverages are a powerful, negative, corruptive influence on society for the following reasons

They degrade the common decency and turn the common man’s mouth into an uncouth vortex, a receptacle not holding in decorum with civilized society. People being the uncivilized heathens that they are would leave many of these empty or half-full beverages lying around our store. Not only that but they would make tremendously loud slurping noises as they tried to squeeze the last 25 cents out of their 4 dollar beverage.

Behold the enemies of public decency and manliness:

Godiva Demons

Chick-Fil-A

Sonic

Starbucks

The high amounts of sugar mess with people’s digestive systems and cause obesity and diabetes. It is quite easy for people to find room for a liquid desert after stuffing their maws with greasy fast food because a liquid is not as filling. Thus people consume away, not knowing that they are unwittingly consuming 100 calories [Starbucks], 660 calories with 86 grams of sugars [Godiva] , 720 Calories [Sonic], 810 Calories (243 of which are from fat) [Chick-Fil-A]. To put this into perspective you would have to drink 8 Keystone Light beers and eat just one Pringle’s potato-chip to equal the number of calories in a single serving of a Chick-Fil-A shake, and you would still not have all the saturated fat and sugars!

This is without even mentioning that the vast majority of these iced drinks are discriminatory against the lactose intolerant. If this is an egalitarian beverage, should not everyone be able to enjoy.

Given that they are a public nuisance due to factors of noise from slurping, a threat to the health of anyone that consumes them, and discriminate against the lactose intolerant; these concoctions should be labeled a threat to all positive masculine properties, or Virtus in Latin.

Early Cuyler would pull out his knife or boomstick and justifiably attack this threat to "manly males of the masculine race." While normally, "because it tastes good" would be ample justification for the consumption of a foodstuff, these beverages are a negative influence on society.

7 thoughts on “Put down your girly drink and act like a Man, Part 1”

  1. so where does one draw the line? It’s not at coffee-based, because you have an old-school milkshake on there. Is it the sugar? Is non-diet soda okay? Or is it the ice-cream? can i still have a bowl of ice cream without sacrificing my manhood? Or is it the lactose – is straight up milk okay?

    or should men not be allowed to drink anything except alcoholic beverages (except foo-foo drinks, shit, not even safe there), water, and black coffee? Or is water not masculine enough either?

  2. I go by the Wayne/Norris rule on this one. If one can’t imagine John Wayne and or Chuck Norris, two epitomes of masculinity, drinking a beverage without bursting out laughing at the notion; then I consider that drink to be unmanly. Coffee-based isn’t a criterion. Part of it also has to do with the straw and slurping, it looks and sounds like you are felating a tiny prick and at the same time making a face/sounds of contentment at the deliciousness. While this may be inline with some people’s perceptions of what makes a proper manly man, it is certainly not inline with mine. Nothing against homosexuality, you can be manly and gay at the same time. I just unfortunately don’t know that many people that make a face of contentment and deliciousness when they have a pork sword shoved in their yap trap.

  3. I don’t really think that that’s a fair criterion of what manliness is, isn’t or should be. For a variety of reasons. Mostly because you’re saying that the to manliest men that ever lived were two White guys. And I don’t accept that.

    Also, generally, you’re basing their manhood on roles that they played on screen, and not who they are as people.

    And that’s a pretty stupid way to decide who and who isn’t a man or what and what isn’t a manly drink.

  4. Fine, toss in Jim Kelly (aka Williams, the martial artist not the friggin QB who sucks), Lance Armstrong, Bruce Lee, Ernest Hemingway, Jack Nicholson, Jim Brown, Cung Le, John Bonham, Muhammed Ali, and Chuck Palahniuk. An even council of twelve. You’ve got artists, writers, womanizers, alcoholics, fighters, athletes, cowboys, and people with testicular cancer that wear spandex.

    footnote, “Manliness and its Discontents: The Black Middle Class and the Transformation of Masculinity, 1900-1930” Martin Summers, “Chapel Hill: University of North Carolina Press, 2004, xi” (I know it isn’t the proper Chicago format…)

  5. Topic bus people.

    I don’t care what Sean Connery or Sam Jackson would be seen in public drinking.

    (… though if Sam were slurping a daquri while giving me the eye, I’d be EVEN MORE AFRAID, for some reason.)

    The fact is I come down with Tuck on this one, because anything you can make into a snow-coneish drink is a BETTER DRINK when not made that way. When made as an actual cocktail. Any Margarita joint will prove this if you want to test.

    And yes, the main reason people do re-mix sweet cocktails to make them slushies, is to distort and cut the taste of alcohol, and bring out the other sugars.

    When you do this by say, putting straight whiskey or vodka in the freezer, that’s acceptable, because it brings in more taste overall on what might be an overwhelming amount of alc burn.

    But when you drown a drink that’s already mixed in water and freezing temperatures, you’re just saying you hate alcohol, and don’t want to taste it or anything like it.

    So, unsexing the issue, you’re in my mind not drinking like a damn grown up. And you should grow some gonads and learn to taste alc, or just have ice cream and stop pretending.

    You’re ruining good drinks by half-assing it.

  6. … I realize that I actually drove the topic bus more off course.

    Fuck it. It was my turn with the bus. Wear a helmet.

  7. Yeah, a little off topic. But its ok. We still love you. Mostly.

    My problem isn’t the drinks necessarily. It’s the fact that a (NA) drink defines your manhood, when I think that manhood is a pretty fucking hard thing to define to begin with. I don’t have a problem with the beer post, and maybe that’s being a bit hypocritical, but that’s mostly because I believe in the purity of beer.

    Anyhoo, to address Tuck’s additions, the smaller point that I was making was that, in your mind when you first did the list, not one person of color was on the list, and both of those people have political views that are pretty much diametrically opposed to mine. But even when you updated the list, there’s a greater problem. That’s what manhood is to you. And not saying that there’s anything actually wrong with that, but that manhood isn’t the same thing to all people. Because even within your list of twelve people, you’d be hard pressed to find anyone that I graduated from high school with to name more than half of that list. So your view of manhood and my view of manhood. So I don’t think that that any of these drinks are unmanly. Frivolous and stupid, yeah. But I don’t think that manhood can be defined by what what someone does and doesn’t drink.

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