Anatomy Of Genius: Terry Tate

Superbowl XXXVIII was notable for many things, the actual game being not one of them. The highlight of the evening, for most, was the Terry Tate: Office Linebacker. Check out the full documentary-style video in all its glory. Like most great Superbowl commercials, it only had a tangential relationship with the product it was supposedly endorsing – in fact, most viewers would be hard-pressed to even identify the corporate sponsor. In fact, the Terry Tate commercials are only notable insofar as the company that created them is still in business.

Well, Terry’s back. Ten dollars says that Reebok’s not sponsoring him this time, which means his spots are even greater – if that’s possible. Terry’s trying to get out the vote – and doesn’t care who he hurts in the process. Check it out. We’ve all seen the clip, and lord knows it’s painful, so put it on mute and get ready to crank up the volume around 0:44.

"What the fuck," I’m sure you’re saying. "How the hell did they do that?" Well, after the jump, we’ll take a look at this cinematic work of art frame by frame, and find out just how Terry works his magic.

Let’s start out with the first frame before ol’ Tate makes his appearance. What is Palin doing with her hands? "Make sure to get a firm grip on each testicle." If only – naw, she’s trying to distract viewers from the fact that the last book she read was "Green Eggs and Ham," when she was 15.

We can see the shadow of ol’ Tate coming in from behind Katie in this frame. Still definitely the real Palin, exposing on fellatio or some such thing. I don’t know, I still had it on mute at this point.


Here’s where the real Sarah Palin steps outside for some meth a smoke and Terry’s masochistic Palin-look alike comes in. Looks a little stiff, don’t you think? you would be too if you had three point two metric tons of pro-Obama office linebacker coming at you at three quarters of the speed of sound. Look! He’s just a blur! Or that could be the shitty YouTube quality too.



Terry’s made full contact now. I believe that blur behind the CBS Evening News logo in the bottom right is fake-Palin’s kidney exploding. Or it’s Tate’s head. It’s kinda hard to tell. You’ll also notice that Katie remains completely frozen – either because we’ve passed the point where the real video is rolling, or Katie hates Palin so much by this point in the interview that she’s ecstatic to see her internal organs get rearranged by the human equivalent of a freight train.


Have we seen Palin slash Fake Palin’s O face? I think we have!

At this point it’s almost creepy how still Katie is standing. Seriously.

Unless, of course, it’s because she’s checking out Tate’s ass. I never figured Katie Couric to go for the beefcake type, but then again, she has been single now for ten years. Of course, in 2000 she underwent a colonoscopy live on the air, so maybe she just has a thing for the dairy aire.

Pretty sure this is just a freeze frame of Katie, because if she truly hated Palin, by this point she’d be jumping up and down with joy.

Almost out of frame now. We can see the camera pan away from Katie towards the Palin-shaped hole in the concrete Tate will leave when he finally makes contact with the ground. The anticipation is killing me!

The camera quickly pans over to where Tate and Palin slash Fake Palin are sharing a tender post-coital concussion moment. If you listen carefully at this point in the video, you can hear Palin say, "I’d never had sex with a Negro before! Oops, I’m pregnant again!"


For more Tate-on-Palin goodness, check out Terry Tate’s opinion of Sarah Palin’s foreign policy expertise. Worth it if only to hear Palin moan, "it hurts!" Don’t worry, Sarah, you’ll get used to it. Once you go black, you never go back.


Update: Some of you may ask, "Hey Dutch, in that last video, what the hell is up with Palin’s eyes as she gets blindsided by the second coming of Terry Tate? Is she a demon?" Well, questioners, before I answer your question: way to work in "second coming" into the Tate-Palin sex theme we have running here. Kudos.

So: is she a demon? Maybe!

In this still, it does kinda look like it’s just glint of her hot-librarian glasses. I’d say, maybe she’s radioactive (from living across the street from Chernobyl, doncha know) but I feel we would have picked up on that during her incessant winking during the debate. Of course, this could have been what Rich Lowry meant when he said she  "sent little starbursts through the screen." Or maybe he’s just off his nut.

One more screengrab of the demon eyes, for posterity:

Yep. She’s the spawn of Satan.

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