Restaurant Review: because

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When you name the place "Mike’s Chili Parlor" and your walls are adorned with articles about your "very famous chili" and biographies of your founder, first owner and "local chili lover" and the word "chili" appears in 40% of your menu entries then in that situation

your chili PROBABLY SHOULDN’T BLOW ASS.

Vegetables and Peppers – nonexistant

Broth – Lukewarm waste grease. I think they cleaned the trap from a McDonald’s down the street.

Meat – I’m not sure there was any. There was this brown stuff with the consistency of paste. You could spackle a house with it. I don’t remember what it tasted like.

Three Kidney Beans – Present.

On the other hand, the french fries were delicious. Lightly browned and fresh inside. And the decor was just right. Comfortable, older-crowd dive bar. With a real jukebox playing good music. But they need to change the name.

I suggest OLD MCSLAPPY’S TAVERN.

And then, in tiny letters, on the last page of the menu "we dare you to try the chili."