I somehow missed seeing the second Harond + Kumar (by Baz Luhrman) until last night. Which I thought was some huge lapse on my part. Didn’t even read a review. Saw that it was the same stars with the same writers as the first, and bought it used at Blockbuster, confident in lulz.

I want my $5.99 back.

And an apology.

And a cookie.

So here’s a joke! You get sent to prison. When you get there, the inmates taunt you, saying you’ll get a "cock sandwich" for lunch. Then the guards come in. And tell you to suck their cock. Which is a cock sandwich. You don’t want to. So you run away.

That’s the whole joke.


Hell, that could have been a lot more funny than it deserves, given that YOUR LAST MOVIE WAS ABOUT FAST FOOD SNOBS. I mean Jesus.

The whole thing is like the single least funny scene in an Austin Powers movie. Like the Starbucks Joke. Imagine two hours of the Starbucks Joke.

How does such a good idea, in good hands, go so wrong? 

"Read More" if you want to get into vampires.

Right before the ground-breaking prison rape bit, there’s another uninspired, out of place sequence, where Harold and Kumar argue with some real Jihadists in the next cell. America built this place, only because you made us … blah blah … then:

Jihadist: "if you weren’t so busy eating donuts you’d wake up and see what your country was doing in the world."
Kumar: "Fuck you. Donuts are awesome."
Harold (immediately, stepping on the last line): "They’re delicious."


Then, cock sandwich.

It was this extraordinary glimpse of the movie they should have made. Of slacker glee in an overly serious world. The joy of absurdism. Masturbation jokes done right, dammit.

You know.

A lot of bad movies do us favors. Producing great bad movie reviews. Giving us examples to analyze, in trends of greater badness. Defining our childhoods.

But Guantanamo Bay is nhilistically bad. No one will ever get a chance to write that film, at that time, ever again. I was pre-entertained. You got my money for the title. And this is how you use that moment. It reminds me that one day the earth will freeze die and spin into the sun is all.

This was so bad, in such a specific way, that it made me think of Josh Hartnett scowling at pale douchebags in tango shoes.


What would any horror fan give to see that story told well? I would have paid someone else to let me write it. Or at least plot and block it, if you don’t trust me with dialogue. The set up is so awesome and tension-friendly that it almost writes itself. Imagine the slow, awful sense of dread. The desperate churning of human minds running out of heat, light, food and options. The fear among the monsters as their darkness starts running out, and they risk more and more to finish off the survivors before it does. The pure ferocity you could get out of the actors. The level of happy exhaustion the audience could take from that theater.

In 30 Days of Night, there is a cut at minute 75. The last subtitle said "Day 5." Now, with the characters in the same place, some white letters fade in.

"Day 27."

That’s all you need to know.

Some people are lazy cowards. Sometimes we give them good ideas to ruin. The end.

One thought on “HOW DO YOU SCREW THAT UP”

  1. I apologize to you for not personally warning you about this pile of bacteria-cum-sequel.

    I’ll pay for White Castle next time.

    I hear they removed cock sandwich from the menu, so don’t worry.

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