Life: Best Unexamined. Part 2.

 


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I am a very ordinary person. Mid 20’s, went to college, pay rent, pay taxes. Gym membership. I like porno, sports, and books about war. My last international adventure was a school trip. My last criminal plot involved eggs and Halloween. I do not use crystal meth.

After a long but pretty ordinary day, no part of which I recall as "odd," I went about the normal step of emptying my gym bag. See, that’s a normal step. As in, every morning it starts out empty.

Contents in no order:
 

Shoes
Dress shoes
3 socks, none of which match each other
Bag of barbecued spare ribs
A/C adapter to cord I don’t have
Bright green fingerless glove
Crasins bag containing money
Crasins bag containing Craisins
Deflated inflatable huge orange dice
4 wine keys
2 indecipherable hand-scribbled notes
Entirely separate bag of barbecued spare ribs.
Hat.
Dogeared book of cocktail recipes
Laptop computer.
Fork with prongs bent in different directions.
4 pens. One of which works.
Cider bottle containing coffee.
Novelty necktie.
Entirely separate bag of Crasins.
Unidentified pills.
Underwear.
Other unidentified pills.
Brochure for the Smith Tower with a floor layout.
 

If somebody found this thing, they would assume it belonged to a homeless person. Or The Joker. Or a homeless person who thinks he is The Joker.

Something is wrong here.
 

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